God gave us marriage to experience what He is like. Can this be?
Genesis 1:26-28 tells us,
“Then God said, ‘Let us (the triune God) make man in our image, in our likeness…’ So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.”
So from the beginning of the Bible and affirmed in the New Testament we can see four purposes for marriage: to reflect the image and unity of the triune God, to experience of Christ’s love for His church, along with procreation and management of creation.
Think about that. How does your marriage, or the one’s you’ve observed, help you experience what God is like? How do the marriages you know reflect the relationship Christ has with his church?
This is where it hurts. Maybe this is why the idea and definition of marriage is under attack. It is common to think of marriage as something that is difficult, discouraging, and even hurtful. Many think of personal failure. Researchers have indicated that only a quarter of us can usually respond well in an intimate relationship when we are not treated well. This may correspond to the reported 50 percent divorce rate, and the reported 50 percent rate of unhappiness in the marriages that stay together.
An incredible statistic is the accuracy of predicting divorce. Marriage is one of the most researched psychological topics over the last 40 years and this prediction is well-documented. John Gottman and other researchers underscore that your response, when you are treated poorly in your marriage, is predictive of eventual divorce with 91 percent accuracy.
It is not exactly what is said, or what is done, that is so predictive. It is one’s outlook. It is an outlook that comes from feeling above your partner. It results in your looking down on him or her. It is in the dwelling on the injustices in your relationship; it is in the ruminating on the weaknesses of the other. It leaks out in your tone, facial expressions, and non-verbal body language. It is corrosive. It is called contempt. Dan Allender, in his book with Tremper Longman III, Intimate Allies says that “many couples live with an underlying contempt for each other.” Later they write, “Spouses degrade each other when they show a contemptuous, shaming, judgmental spirit.”
We are all treated poorly at times. We all have different desires and these can turn into expectations. When this happens our sense of wonder turns into a stance of demand. God designed marriage instead to be a covenant, a commitment to another person especially when we are treated poorly. A covenant reflects God’s oath to us.
A contract is based on mistrust. It asks the question, “Will you be there for me?” A covenant is based on trust. A contract is based on limited liability. It asks the question, “What if you are not living up to your end of the bargain?” A covenant does not keep score. A contract can be voided by mutual consent. It asks the question, “Would I be better off without you?” A covenant reflects a personal commitment.
So how do spouses, who generally get treated well in their marriage, act at those moments when they are not treated well?
A covenant approach invites vulnerability. It allows one for honesty, a joint struggle to expose both the beautiful and the broken. It is the only way to feel true love. It is the grace that provides the elements needed to grow. It cultivates passion versus boredom. It is a picture of God’s love for us. We are to be a reflection of God’s love for our spouse. Allender and Longman write, “I am to see my spouse as a unique reflection of God. She is a woman like no other.” They return to this theme when they write, “I must learn what it means to draw out my wife’s uniqueness.” They point out that both spouses reflect God’s glory, and as they treat each other with this respect they move closer together, while degrading the other leads to distance. Blaming the other, they add, not only assuages our own guilt, it pushes the other away.
Contempt is beyond the inevitable frustration with your spouse. It says that I am not just angry, afraid or sad; it says you are wrong or bad. We are all wrong or bad at times, but people that get treated well do not put themselves above the other. 1 Peter 3:7 sets a foundation with “Treat your wives, then, as equals so your prayers don’t run aground.”
Paul describes the marital relationship in Ephesians 5:21-28:
Out of respect for Christ, be courteously reverent to one another.
Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands.
Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor—since they’re already “one” in marriage.
Here we see a model representing a divine relationship. It is a willingness to be responsive and to yield to one another out of love, whether the other merits it or not. This non-judgmental approach is designed to reflect equal regard. Marital researchers agree. This approach finds the other person understandable, and expresses that understanding so the other person can be vulnerable and not defensive. It does not deny truth or grace. It acknowledges underlying needs on both sides of the equation.
What if I am not open to this kind of approach? Impulsivity, stress, lack of time and energy, built-up anger, hurt and resentment get in the way. A formidable obstacle is the belief that one’s partner is more to blame for the relationship problems. An urgent need is for personal support to make personal changes, like consistent support groups, Bible study, accountability, coaching and counseling.
What if my partner isn’t open to this kind of approach? This kind of approach is for the sake of the giver as much as the receiver. It allows the giver to feel settled and in control about their part, even if your partner does not respond well. Researchers underscore that when one partner is not treated well, this is precisely the time that this approach is needed. When it gets tough, take a break. Or break the discussion and ask your partner for proposals, or make proposals. Living in a fallen world and being self-responsible means that we have to set boundaries. The key is to not look down on your partner in the meantime. “So be content with who you are, and don’t put on airs. God’s strong hand is on you; he’ll promote you at the right time. Live carefree before God; he is most careful with you” (1 Peter 5:7).
Can we trust God when we see no way out? Can we say like the father in Mark 9:24 who said “I believe. Help me with my doubts!”
Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you.
I’ve called your name. You’re mine.
When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you.
When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you’re between a rock and a hard place,
it won’t be a dead end—
Because I am God, your personal God,
The Holy of Israel, your Savior.
I paid a huge price for you:
all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in!
That’s how much you mean to me!
That’s how much I love you!
(Isaiah 43:1-3)